Bare Bones

I realize that, when I meditate, there is only me: as if I were in a room surrounded on all sides by mirrors and all I could see was myself. It is at times freeing, at times frightening - always sobering. It makes me think of the past - of things and people gone, what I haven't done. And I think of the present and realize that the past is a mere illusion, predicated on the absolution of memory. In Sans Soleil, Marker's woman says - and I paraphrase - "Memory is the silver lining to the clouds of forgetfulness," which is why the past is romanticized, never allowed to disintegrate. But it seems a disreality - we can never prove it.

I return - in my meditation - and think of the present: of where I am, what this is. What is this? Where is this? And I realize the present is predicated on a history of reality - the past once more. Rules of the present are the mistakes of the past - the painful memories. Thus, what is the present but a reflection of the past? But the past itself is an illusion - thus, what is the present but a reflexive, painful memory of the past - itself a romanticized, unprovable illusion?

All I can see clearly is myself but this - like reality, like the past, like the present - is but a reflection of other reflections. I cannot prove myself - whether I exist or not. Descartes' statement is utter bullshit - perhaps his thoughts are an illusion themselves.

But this notion of "illusions" must also be cast aside, for the very notion of illusion is a ground on which to stand. One could become paranoid, believing that one is surrounded by illusion - evil illusion, even. But, really, this paranoia simply arises from the fear of being fundamentally different. Those who are different are paranoid - paranoia arises from a view of reality that differs from the norm. But really this is just a dumbing down of the fundamental actuality of the human existence: all experience differently (if we claim that "all" exist). Therefore, even illusion must be cast aside.

Nothing is proven in any case. All is groundless.